ON BECOMING A SHELLBACK
                          By
                    Steven R. Moss
                           
          In the Navy there is a time-honored tradition that has spanned many years
     and this is crossing the equator.  When a ship makes the crossing, it enters the
     realm of King Neptune.  The king feels that the lowest form of life in the ocean is a
     slimy pollywog and he holds a rite of passage to purge the ocean of them and
     hopefully make them honorable shellbacks.
          This all begins by serving the pollywog a summons accusing him of
     committing unspeakable and heinous crimes against a shellback.  The shellbacks
     subsequently order him to appear before the king and his tribunal on an appointed
     day and time to answer for his crimes.
          About a month before this rite of passage takes place the shellbacks meet
     to discuss this pollywog conspiracy.  The king feels that all shellbacks have a moral
     obligation and responsibility to uphold his honor and to bring swift justice down on
     the heads of all pollywogs for committing these atrocities.  They then meticulously
     go over the entire list of charges and reserve special treatment for those pollywogs
     accused of committing the most vile and despicable deeds.  In my case they
     accused me of locking a shellback in a storeroom and depriving him of food and
     companionship of fellow shellbacks.
          A few days prior to the initiation, preparations for the festivities begin. 
     The ship's carpenters construct the Tunnel of Love which is a chute, about 50 feet
     long, filled full of two-week-old garbage, that a pollywog must crawl through. 
     Then the Royal Baby is designated which generally is the fattest shellback aboard. 
     He has his belly covered with the most obnoxious concoction imaginable which a
     pollywog has to kiss.  Then the carpenters build Baptism Pool and fill it with salt
     water in which a shellback in a black suit and a pointed hat they dunk the newly
     initiated shellback in which he swears to the king to help him in his ongoing
     struggle to eliminate all pollywogs.
          On the big day my ship, an aircraft carrier, set sail just after sunrise for
     rendevous with the king just inside the equator.  Upon arrival on station the ship
     dispatched a boat to retrieve the king and his official entourage and to bring them
     directly to the ship.  Since this is a highly regal affair, they required the crew of
     that boat to wear full dress uniform of the day, replete with medals.  When the
     boat returned to the ship, the royalty was personally welcomed aboard by the
     commanding officer and escorted topside to their respective place of honor to
     reign over the day's festivities.
          The royal court needs entertainment and the shellbacks provide this
     courtesy of the Pollywog Dancing Women.  These are pollywogs who must shave
     their legs, and wear tee shirts and work pants with the pant legs rolled up.  They
     dance, sing, cavort about, and amuse his highness until he tires of them and waves
     them on.
          However, woe is unto any pollywog roaming around with his head down,
     and not paying attention, and gets captured by shellbacks.  This happened to me. 
     Upon capture I was promptly placed in a guillotine and had my face smeared with
     axle grease.  I was then taunted and chastised by my captors and told to get out of
     there because they didn't want a dirty faced, a lowlife, scum-sucking pollywog in
     their presence.
          However, my treatment was mild compared to a certain officer's. 
     Everyone knew he enjoyed cigars as he was always seen smoking one.  He was
     tricked and seduced into coming topside to indulge in his pleasure and when he did
     he was immediately set upon and taken as a prisoner.  A noose was placed around
     his neck, a cheap cigar stuck in his mouth, and the shellbacks paraded him about
     for the royal court's amusement; during which a fired-up zippo lighter was kept
     just far enough from the end of it so he couldn't light it.
          Meanwhile, things in the hangar deck had started to get lively.   A group of
     pollywogs had charged up a fire hose and was spraying it on anybody who was
     looking over the side of the flight deck to see what the commotion was all about. 
     This went on for roughly forty-five minutes before the captain came on the
     intercom and told them to shut off the damned fire hose.
          As I mentioned, earlier, special treatment was reserved for certain
     pollywogs.  One officer had this honor bestowed upon him as he was designated to
     officially start the initiation.  He was also the pollywog who had the most charges
     filed against him.  He was the first through the tunnel, with its most rank, foul-
     smelling garbage. He was the first taunted by shellbacks with their shillelaghs,
     (these consisted of rope, soaked in salt water for around three days, left to dry so
     they would provide a zing when used on a pollywog) the first to kiss the royal
     babies fat belly, the first  baptized and turned into a shellback.
          When it finally was my turn, I was in the last 700 or so, so when I crawled
     through the Tunnel of Love hardly any garbage had remained.
          Unfortunately when I came to the royal baby I knew him and he knew me. 
     When he saw me this bigger than life Cheshire Cat grins spread across his face,
     upon which he forcefully grabbed me by both ears and rubbed my face into his
     belly, quite proper.  I don't think he ever wanted me to forget that encounter and I
     never did.  Next I passed in front of King Neptune where he acknowledged me and
     gave me forgiveness, then it was into the baptismal pool where the water was quite
     ripe by now.  When I saw that I had mixed feelings about this whole thing, but
     what the hell?  I had come this far too back out now, so I took the oath of
     allegiance, let them dunk me, and I was now a full-fledged shellback.
          The only part of the day's affair I didn't like was being unable to take a
     fresh water shower afterwards.  A Navy ship comes equipped with evaporators for
     making their own fresh water.  But ours were so small that they didn't produce
     enough to keep up with the demand and they wouldn't function properly because
     of the temperature of the equatorial water.  So I ended up taking a salt water
     shower in which I never, ever felt totally clean.  I got most of the yuck off me and
     took my fresh water shower later, when the supply had built up.
          This day has always remained a pleasant memory for me.  The Navy never
     coerced me into going through this.  I did it of my own free will.  Nevertheless, by
     going through the day's events, they awarded me a delightful certificate attesting
     to this.  Plus, I earned the right to initiate pollywogs in the future, became a true
     sailor, and an eternal member of King Neptune's realm.  Overall, this was a hell of
     a lot of fun and I wouldn't have missed it for anything in the world.  No sir.
                       THE END
                           
     Copyright, August 20, 2000, Steven R. Moss